a war inside my head

I think I am on day 54 or something like that.  I haven’t checked my sobriety clock today.  I am still sober.  Not a spot has passed my lips.  I am finding it harder to be honest!  That sounds crazy and people say it gets easier!

Last Friday I went to my local aa meeting but left after the share.  The man sharing was a bit chauvinistic and everyone laughed when he spoke of how he only attended one meeting a week when he first started going to aa (i.e. not taking it seriously).  I only go to one meeting a week.  It is all I can manage with kids and a hubby etc and I find one a week emotionally draining enough personally.  I am not a good mixer with people either so find groups hard at the best of times.

I actually left the meeting feeling in need of a drink!!! I didn’t do it though.  I had left my purse at home so i couldn’t visit the local shop for a bottle of something!  I felt so embarassed when he said that.  Several people have said to me, “you need to go to more meetings ” and I have explained why but when this guy said this and everyone laughed I just felt humiliated.  Now I realise most people probably didn’t even really think about it but I just felt pathetic.

This past week has been tough too.  Hubby has been up and down like a yo yo adjusting to new medication.  Tonight I have been seriously wanting to drink.  I am in on my own with just the kids as he is at his support group and then going to visit a friend.  Thankfully I am in a facebook group for women and someone took the time to have a conversation with me about this craving, talking me through it bit by bit.  It has now passed and I am glad I came through it.

When I am busy I get easily fooled into thinking, “you got this girl!”.  I am humbled quite quickly by my addictive mind I think.  My friend in the group who talked me through the craving said it is like “a war in your mind”.  I couldn’t agree more with this.  She is so right.  It feels like a tug of war with the self destruct part of me wanting to get hammered and the self respect part knowing that isn’t right and the path it will lead me down.

Damn this bloody thing.  I am so sick of it.  I am enjoying waking feeling fresh in the morning and energetic though!

For now, see you all soon x

days 32 – 44

The past few weeks have been busy and hard going.  I have been to 2 more AA meetings.  Just my regular Friday group meeting.  My husband has taken a very downhill turn.  He has been changing medications and with that he has been experiencing dark, suicidal thoughts.  Yesterday he was feeling really bad and today he had the cpn ( community psychiatric nurses) out to assess him further.  He has calmed down since that and hopefully things will begin to move in the right direction now.

My first thoughts in dealing with the stress of all this is drink.  Like yesterday, I actually thought he may end up in hospital.  I was half hoping he would and had planned out in my head how I would go up to the local shop and buy 2 bottles of wine and get pished.  I didn’t of course and ended up at the meeting last night.  I felt v angry to be there and didn’t want to be.  I wanted to let rip about all the shit in my life but didn’t.  It was a v busy meeting with a lot of faces I didn’t know at all.  I didn’t feel I could.  So I came home and told my husband what I had planned if he had ended up in hospital and he looked at me with no comprehension of my thought processes.  I told a sober friend who got it straight away!

Today I found myself planning the same thing.  Before the cpn’s arrived, I was planning how I would take the kids to the shop and buy a bottle or 2 of wine if he ended up in hospital.  This would mean I could drink alone if he wasn’t here.  I could say “fuck it” to the world and rebel and self destruct.  I popped out for 5 mins to see my sober friend and told her this and that I wanted and needed a drink.  She of course said the right things.  I knew these anyway.

Anyway he is still at home and has a little hope in the system since seeing these nurses.  I am still hankering after a drink but won’t have one for now.

Like they say, one day at a time.  44 days sober today.

x

day 15 to day 31

Wow it has been a while since I posted!  I hope you didn’t think I had went a.w.o.l.  I have been quietly taking each day as it comes and somehow got to a month’s sobriety!  2 weeks ago I attended my first AA meeting in my wee village.  I am in contact with a lovely female friend who has been sober 29 years and suggested I come along.  I chickened out of going to that meeting. However,  2 Friday’s ago I was feeling really edgy and really wanting a drink.  I knew I wasn’t going to get one and I didn’t know what to do with myself at all.  I message said friend but she didn’t manage to reply.  I then messaged someone on a live chat AA thing who, of course, suggested I attend the local meeting which was starting imminently.

I braved it.  I went along and lo and behold, my friend was there, and she was was sharing that night too!  I received the warmest welcome from such a mixture of people.  I felt comfortable and safe and terrified all at the same time.  This kind of meeting is a totally alien situation to me.  I am sure it is to every person who goes through those doors for the first time.  So I went again on Friday just there.  It was a little quieter but again, a lady was sharing.  From  further afield this time.  I identified with so much of what she had to say too.  Again the welcome was warm, many people spoke to me with words of wisdom.

Some people said get to as many meetings as I can.  However as a mum of 2 kids this isn’t always easy.  For now the Friday meeting is perfect for me.  It is when I most feel the urge to drink and is helping me for now.  I find the meetings very emotionally and socially draining.  I am an introvert by heart so am not good at meeting lots and lots of new people and situations.  If I struggle I now have 3 phone numbers of ladies who will talk to me when necessary.  I have contacted one already who was helpful.

The past fortnight has had many ups and downs.  Saturday just there was particularly hard .  My husband was out with friends for the evening ( he doesn’t drink thankfully) so it was just me and the kids.  I had a few hours during which I felt the urge again very strongly.  I felt sorry for myself for not being “normal” and able to drink like other people.  I then felt despondent and felt like life wasn’t worth living pretty much.  Then a little head popped round the living room door and distracted me from those feelings I thought would never pass.  Guess what?  They passed.  I ended up at one point of my evening feeling very glad I was sober and had clarity of mind and could go to bed with no regrets plus a clear head in the morning.

I am sure over the coming time I will have more evenings like that.  For now I am trying to follow some of the advice of the AA.  I am taking each day and sometimes each hour at a time.  Trying to reach out for help when I need it.

x

day 10 – 14

So day 10 was Saturday and I found this a better day.  Didn’t drink at all.  Sunday was awful though. I woke up feeling awful, had really sore, heavy legs and ended up in tears.  The kids and hub left me in peace for a while and I went for a walk alone which was lovely.  I still didn’t drink.

Day 12 on the Monday was so much better.  I spent the day working while the kids went out with grandparents.  My legs felt so much better.  I have no idea why!  Days 13 and 14 have been fine too.  I received my jewellery I ordered to remember my first day sober 2/2/17.

All in all I am so proud of reaching day 14.  It has been and continues to be a struggle.  However, each day I don’t drink continues to be a small personal victory to me.

x

Day 9

So today has been pretty hard.  I have been feeling down all day due to my cold I think.  I am feeling bored with myself, bored with everyone and everything around me.  I keep getting things I haven’t thought about in a long time creeping back into my head.  I have also started waking quite early in the morning but that may just be the cold bugging me.  Today is Friday and I would normally be looking forward to relaxing with a good bottle of wine.  But I can’t do that tonight.  I feel like I am the most boring person in the world.  I don’t know how to have fun and relax without alcohol.  I would normally look forward to watching some comedy and supping wine and forgetting everything.  Tonight though all I have to look forward to is chamomile tea and my other half’s company.  He is off work sick at the moment with anxiety.  It is nice having him around but I am just not all that used to it.

I read somewhere today that the worst prison of all is inside our minds.  At the moment that is so true.  I am full of self loathing and annoyed at my total lack of motivation.  I have things I could be doing to relax but am too lazy to get off my arse and do them.  I am told this will get easier.  At the moment I don’t see how.  At the moment I am being plagued by the demons in mind trying to tempt me back down the road of alcohol.  Maybe this time I can control it.  I know in my heart of hearts that I can’t though.

So today I will not have a drink.  It will be hour by hour but I will be fucked if I let this thing win.

x

day 7 and 8

Well I made it to a week.  I have ordered myself 2 handmade rings to wear as reminders of my becoming sober.  One is a wraparound feather and the other a silver ring with a large sunstone in it.  It is a lovely warm amber colour and has healing properties apparently!

I have the cold, as do the kids too.  This is maybe quite good because I do not feel like drinking at all!  Last night I had chamomile tea and a friend suggested ginger beer.  I like the sound of that.

Keeping busy during the week is relatively easy but the weekends are always the tests.  My husband went out to visit a friend last night.  I must admit that a part of me did feel a little uneasy and this would normally have been a time when I would have drank and drank.  Instead I shopped for my rings!

The pangs of sadness and poor me are not as strong at the moment.  I am not feeling too devastated by not drinking.  I was teaching yesterday ( I teach patchwork) and the ladies were chatting about cocktails and wine.  That did make me feel a bit uneasy.  How would I explain to them that I no longer drank?  I am wondering how I will broach that subject?

I am still feeling quite good about my decision though.  I am trying to take it one day at a time.  In fact it may even be one hour at a time.  But for today I am not drinking and that can only be a great thing in my book.

x

day 5 and 6

So yesterday was a much better day than over the weekend.  I kept busy with pattern writing and the kids and household duties.  In the evening I was so tired I barely gave a thought to wine or alcohol of any kind.  I would have been asleep within minutes if I had drank anyway.

Today is day 6 and I have been pretty busy again.  However, I have noticed that as I start to wind down for the day, the thought of alcohol resurfaces and I think how nice it would be to have a glass of something.  Just one maybe.  That would be it.  No more than that.  Of course I know it would lead to another and another and before you know it I would be making it a regular thing again.  Fortunately there is no booze in the house at all so I can’t have any at all.

I bought some camomile tea bags today and intend on having a few cups of them in the evening to try and help me relax.  A friend also recommended ginger beer!  I love the spicy taste of it so I shall be buying some tomorrow maybe just for the weekends!

Part of me feels really good at this new found soberness.  Another part feels very boring and like nothing in life is every going to be fun again.  Stupid I know but I always felt I could let my hair down when drinking.  Of course there were the times when I let my hair down way too much and did stupid things that could potentially cause major problems in my life.  I don’t miss that.

I just wish I could be “normal”.  I feel so jealous of people who can take it or leave it.  Have one drink then stop.  People who really don’t have the dysfunctional relationship I have with it.

I need to remember to take one day at a time.  So for today I have not had alcohol and that is a good thing.  Tomorrow is another day and I certainly hope I abstain.  I need to for the sake of my physical and mental health.

I also feel like a fraud.  I am what some may call a “high functioning” alcoholic.  I am married, have 2 kids and work from home.  I appear to have my shit together.  Of course, appearances can be deceptive and I don’t at all.  With my husband’s recent severe anxiety my drinking had went through the roof.  Abstaining for several nights and then when he would go out I would go hell for leather drinking fast and everything pretty much.  Self destruct mode is the only way I can describe it.  I say a fraud because I am not what I would class at your classic alcoholic.  I know that is such an outdated stereotype.  I just feel like my problems are nothing compared to what some addicts have to deal with.

I lost my mum over a year ago, Nov 2015 to COPD in her early 60’s.  This totally exacerbated my drinking.  My dysfunctional relations with alcohol were already there but when my mum went I was devastated and turned to the bottle in an even bigger way.  On the night before her funeral I was drunk as anything.  I drank pretty much every night.  In fact I have done so more or less since then.  Not always a full bottle or two but I had to have the crutch there at least.  Just in case.  If there was no wine in the house I would get so edgy and if I knew I had no opportunity to have any that evening, well I would be in the worst mood ever.  Quite often on those nights I would just head to bed early thinking what is the point of staying up in the evening with no wine!   Oh and I think it may be worth mentioning that my mum’s mum ( my late Gran) and my Uncle both were alcoholics.

Anyway these are just my current musings and self analysis for now.

On to day 7 tomorrow all being well x

day 4

Today so far hasn’t been great.  It is Sunday and my husband had a pretty bad day yesterday.  He has severe anxiety at the moment and has been off work sick.  He has been doing really  well, but yesterday he felt pretty anxious for most of the day.  He woke up this morning at 6am feeling the same.  He managed out to church (I don’t go anymore – long story) and felt a little better by lunch time.

When I got up out of bed I felt “wobbly”.  I don’t know if it is because I slept in a little, if I was worrying about him or because I didn’t have alcohol last night.  I just felt wobbly and still do.  I suppose these feelings are inevitable I just don’t like them.  I have zero energy for anything and am having to force myself to do anything.  It is interfering with my work too.  I am a freelance quilt designer and my enthusiasm and delight in doing something I love is quite vacant at the moment.  Alcohol addiction robbed me of so much creative time and still it continues to do so in the early days of my recovery.  The fecker.

On a positive note a friend who has been sober for 5 years suggested I join a facebook group he is a member of.  I am hoping this provides some support and encouragement for me.

I just feel like I have so much shit on my plate just now.  In a situation like this with my husband ill and not working I previously would have drank my way through it.  Heck that is what I was beginning to do.  I miss it and the sense of relief and escapism it gave me.  I still won’t be touching it though.

Collette x

day 2 and 3

So yesterday, Friday 3rd of February and today, Saturday 4th are my days 2 and 3.  Part of me really didn’t want to write today.  I have been feeling very positive today.  I think this is the easy part.  I have been here before.  Abstaining for a while.  Then hitting the  bottle again in a few months.  This time has to be different though.  This time has to be forever.  I find that hard to comprehend though and am trying to remind myself that I won’t drink today for now.  One day at a time.

Last night I almost went to the local AA meeting but chickened out.  I don’t know if their way of doing things is for me.  I may well find myself there as things get harder and I am open to that prospect.  Last night I was just being stubborn and lazy.

My husband has been suffering from severe anxiety over the last few months and today he has been feeling very dodgy.  I had a flashing thought of previous drinking habits.  In the past(literally only a few days ago),  I would have told him to go to bed or to do something else and I would have had more wine than I should have.  This evening I had that feeling.  In my mind I said “go to your mum’s for the evening” and saw myself running out to the local shop for a bottle of wine.  The pull of the alcohol is clearly going to be hanging around for a long while.  I need to remember it is very, very early days.

Over the last few days I have found evenings to be the trickiest times.  Last evening, my day 2, I felt very agitated around early evening and I know it is because my body and mind were probably expecting alcohol of some type.  Friday evening means I don’t need to get up early for school runs the next morning.  That would normally mean to me that  I can let my hair down and drink lots of wine.  For most people this is ok and totally acceptable.  For me it doesn’t seem that way.  Not when I can’t stop at one or 2.  Not when I keep going till there is none left in the bottle.  Not when I do really stupid things like messaging ex boyfriends and drunk dialling people.  Not when I am  in self destruct mode.

So yesterday evening I went for a shower and started this blog for journalling my journey.  I think this is going to get harder as time goes on.  Thankfully I didn’t drink in many social situations. So I don’t need to stress about declining drinks when out for dinner and such like.  My drinking would be done at home, in the evening, preferably alone but not always. (my husband doesn’t drink).  I miss the taste.  I miss the buzz and the escapism I would feel when I drank to obliterate all my feelings.

But I don’t miss the hangover, the guilt, the embarassment, the self loathing, the way drinking robbed me of time I could have spent doing more productive stuff instead of poisoning myself.

On the one hand I feel very positive but I also feel scared of what is to come.  Scared at the prospect of not being able to touch a drop again, because I literally can’t as it will send me down that slippery slope of alcoholism again.

 

 

 

day 1 of sobriety

This is a letter I must write to myself.  Last night I had way too much to drink.  I was up to the wee small hours.  I was unfit to do the school run.  I felt like shit.  I had drank until there was no more left in the house.  I had no fucks left to give.

This kind of behaviour has been brewing and coming a long time.  I have went through periods of non drinking, having a break, cutting down and so on.  I have always had a bad relationship with alcohol.  It has steadily declined over the last few years.  Drinking out of boredom, loneliness, to get drunk, as quick as I can neck that first glass of wine down my greedy throat.  Worrying about how much is left.  What do I have to get up for in the morning.  Can I stay up late drinking on my own tonight?  Feelings of relief when it would be a night I would be in alone and I could drink as fast as I wanted and do what I wanted.

Wednesday night was the worst and frightening and made me think of how much I had could lose if I continue down this self destruct path.  When he went to bed I couldn’t wait to neck down some more glasses.  Each time telling myself, just one more.  I will go to bed after this one.  But feeling like a rebellious child, I kept going until there was none left.

So here I am.  February 2nd 2017 is the first day of me being sober.  See I can’t stop at one.  I want 4 or 5 or 6 or 7.  I love to drink wine.  I love the taste and the warm, safe feeling it gives me.  I love the buzz and the drunk feeling.  I am an alcoholic and am beginning my recovery journey taking one day at a time.  This is my recovery journal.